Why Does He Do That?

Synopsis

He says he loves you. So... why does he do that? You've asked yourself this question again and again. Now you have the chance to see inside the minds of angry and controlling men - and change your life. In Why Does He Do That? you will learn about: the early warning signs of abuse; the nature of abusive thinking; myths about abusers; ten abusive personality types; the role of drugs and alcohol; what you can fix, and what you can't, and how to get out of an abusive relationship safely.

Summary

Why Does He Do That? is a book written by Lundy Bancroft that tackles the issue of domestic violence against women by men. The book looks to identify the patterns of men’s behaviour in an abusive relationship and the explanations behind them. To give readers a better understanding of the subject matter, the book is divided into nine chapters, each focusing on a different aspect of abusive behaviour.

Chapter One: Understanding Abusive Men. This chapter introduces readers to the book’s main premise that abusive behaviour stems from an inner sense of entitlement. It explores and explains the dynamics of an abusive relationship and describes the different types of abusers. An example of an entitled abuser is a man who believes he is superior to his partner and thus, should have ultimate control over her.

Chapter Two: Abusive Men and Manipulation. Here, readers learn why abusers attempt to manipulate their partners. Topics explored include emotional manipulation, psychological manipulation, and exploitation. An example of manipulative behaviour is a man threatening to leave if his partner doesn’t agree to his demands.

Chapter Three: Abusive Men and Fear. This chapter looks into why abusers use fear to control their partners. It describes how they use tactics such as verbal threats, physical harm, and imposing control. An example of fear-based abuse is a man who constantly tells his partner he will hurt her if she ever speaks about what’s happening in their relationship.

Chapter Four: Abusive Men and Their Excuses. This chapter introduces readers to the different excuses abusers use to justify their behaviour. Such excuses include blaming their partners for instigating the abuse or claiming that their behaviour is normal. An example of an abuser using excuses is a man who justifies his actions by blaming his partner’s gender for causing him to behave the way he does.

Chapter Five: Abusive Men and Their Lack of Accountability. This chapter looks at why abusers are often unable to take responsibility for their actions. It discusses how they try to manipulate people into thinking they aren’t the ones doing wrong. An example of an abuser shifting blame is a man attempting to convince his partner that she is to blame for her own abuse, despite his own culpability.

Chapter Six: Abusive Men and Their Family Background. Here, readers learn more about the history of abusive behaviour in a man’s family. This chapter looks into the possibility of a man’s parents, siblings, and others having perpetrated abuse on him in the past. An example of a man tracing his abusive behaviour to his family’s history is a man who claims that his father abused his mother and that he learned to do the same.

Chapter Seven: Abusive Men and Abuse of Power. This chapter examined the issue of power dynamics in abusive relationships. It looks at how abusers can use their financial, emotional, or physical strength to control partners. An example of an abuser exerting power over their partner is a man who uses money as a way to have control over all decisions in the relationship.

Chapter Eight: Abusive Men and Their Lack of Values. Here, readers learn why abusers often lack morality and ethical values when it comes to dealing with their partners. Topics explored include abusers having a distorted view of relationships, as well as a disregard for societal expectations. An example of an abuser’s disregard for values is a man denying any responsibility for his abusive behaviour even though it goes against social norms.

Chapter Nine: Healthy Alternatives for Abusive Men. This final chapter introduces readers to the idea of a respectful, healthy relationship where both partners show mutual regard. It looks at different ways for abusers to avoid using power and control in relationships and how to seek help. An example of a healthy alternative for an abuser is a man who takes both his partner’s feelings and needs into consideration when making decisions.

In conclusion, Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That?, examines the issue of male abuse and attempts to explain the patterns of behaviour and attitudes behind it. By splitting the book into nine chapters, Bancroft is able to explore each element involved in abusive behaviour, as well as suggest healthy alternatives for men who wish to leave or avoid abusive relationships.