How to Be an Adult in Relationships

Synopsis

DAVID RICHO, PhD, is a psychotherapist, teacher, writer, and workshop leader whose work emphasizes the benefits of mindfulness and loving-kindness in personal growth and emotional well-being. He is the author of numerous books, including How to Be an Adult in Relationships and The Five Things We Cannot Change. He lives in Santa Barbara and San Francisco, California.

Summary

Chapter 1: Own Your Own Feelings

* Summary: Understand and take responsibility for your own emotions, rather than blaming others or expecting them to make you feel better.
* Real example: Instead of saying "You make me feel angry," say "I feel angry when you..." and take ownership of your reaction.

Chapter 2: Communicate Clearly and Honestly

* Summary: Express your needs and thoughts directly and assertively, while respecting the boundaries and perspectives of others.
* Real example: Instead of hinting or being passive-aggressive, say "I need some time to myself" or "I would like to discuss our relationship."

Chapter 3: Set Boundaries and Enforce Them

* Summary: Establish clear limits and expectations for how you will and will not be treated, and hold others accountable for respecting them.
* Real example: If someone repeatedly violates your physical space, say "I'm uncomfortable when you touch me like that" and enforce your boundary by moving away.

Chapter 4: Take Responsibility for Your Actions

* Summary: Acknowledge your mistakes, apologize when necessary, and learn from your experiences.
* Real example: If you accidentally hurt someone's feelings, say "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say that" and take steps to make amends.

Chapter 5: Prioritize Your Own Needs

* Summary: Value and care for your own well-being, even if it means setting boundaries or making choices that others may not agree with.
* Real example: If you need to take a break from a social situation, say "I'm going to go home and recharge for a bit" and don't feel obligated to stay.

Chapter 6: Trust Your Gut

* Summary: Pay attention to your intuition and inner voice, as it can provide valuable guidance in relationships.
* Real example: If you have a bad feeling about someone or a situation, trust your instincts and avoid getting involved.

Chapter 7: Be Present and Engaged

* Summary: Give your full attention to the people and experiences in your life, rather than being distracted or preoccupied.
* Real example: When you're with someone, put away your phone, make eye contact, and actively listen to what they have to say.

Chapter 8: Forgive and Let Go

* Summary: Holding onto anger or resentment can be harmful to both you and others. Release negativity and move forward by forgiving those who have wronged you.
* Real example: If someone apologizes for their past behavior, consider forgiving them and letting go of the hurt they caused you.

Chapter 9: Seek Support When Needed

* Summary: Don't be afraid to reach out to friends, family, or therapists for support when you're struggling.
* Real example: If you're feeling overwhelmed by relationship issues, talk to a trusted friend or consider seeking therapy.

Chapter 10: Remember You're Not Alone

* Summary: Everyone experiences challenges in relationships at times. Connect with others and share your experiences to gain support and reduce isolation.
* Real example: Join a support group or online forum related to your relationship issues and connect with others who are navigating similar challenges.