It's OK That You're Not OK by Megan Devine is a powerful and insightful book that tackles the topic of grief and the ways in which society forces individuals to cope with loss and pain. In this book, Devine challenges the commonly accepted notion that people should "move on" and "get over" their grief and loss within a certain time frame. She instead encourages readers to embrace their pain and find ways to integrate it into their lives. This summary will provide a chapter by chapter overview of the key points and real examples from the book.
Chapter 1: "The Grief Club: You Can't Join If You Want To"
In this chapter, Devine introduces her own experience of sudden and profound loss when her partner, Matt, died in an accident. She shares her struggle to find support and solace in the traditional methods of coping with grief, such as therapy and support groups. Instead, she found herself ostracized and judged for not following the expected path of grieving. Devine challenges the idea that there is a right way to grieve and shares her belief that every individual has their own unique journey through grief.
Real example: Devine talks about how her friends and family expected her to "move on" after six months and return to her normal life. They were uncomfortable with her continued expression of grief and wanted her to stop talking about her loss. Devine's experience is a common one, as many people struggle to understand or accept prolonged grief.
Chapter 2: "Sustainable Suffering: The Grief Timeline That Was Never Real"
In this chapter, Devine examines the societal pressure to grieve in a linear and time-bound manner. She shares her frustration with the widespread belief that there is a certain timeframe for grief after which one should be able to "move on." Devine also discusses how this pressure to conform to a societal timeline contributes to "disenfranchised grief," where individuals feel their loss is not recognized or validated.
Real example: Devine talks about her experience of being told at her partner's funeral that she would feel better in a year. She found this statement to be dismissive and unhelpful, as it was based on the assumption that grief follows a predictable timeline. In reality, grief is a nonlinear and individual experience.
Chapter 3: "Love Goes On: How We Remember What We Need to Know"
In this chapter, Devine encourages the reader to redefine how they view grief and loss. She challenges the popular idea that time heals all wounds and instead promotes the idea that love and memories can carry us through our pain. Devine also shares practical ways in which we can honor and remember our loved ones, such as creating a memory box or participating in rituals.
Real example: Devine shares stories of her clients who have found ways to keep their loved one's memory alive, such as a father who wrote letters to his deceased son and a sister who created a memorial garden for her brother. These acts of remembrance helped them find healing and meaning in their grief.
Chapter 4: "Permission to Grieve: The Freedom Only You Can Give Yourself"
In this chapter, Devine explores the concept of self-permission and how it relates to grief. She discusses how societal norms and expectations often prevent individuals from giving themselves permission to fully feel and express their loss. Devine challenges readers to give themselves permission to grieve, to stop seeking approval from others, and to embrace their pain as a natural response to loss.
Real example: Devine shares her own experience of needing to give herself permission to feel her grief. As a grief counselor, she felt pressure to be "strong" and "together" in her own grief. It wasn't until she allowed herself to fully embrace her vulnerability and pain that she was able to heal.
Chapter 5: "Permission to Get It Wrong: Framing Forward from the Remembered Self"
In this chapter, Devine talks about the idea of "framing forward," which means using our past experiences and memories to shape our present and future. She encourages readers to give themselves permission to make mistakes, as part of the natural growth and healing process. Devine also discusses the importance of finding a new "remembered self" after experiencing profound loss.
Real example: Devine shares a story of a client who struggled with guilt and shame for not being able to save her husband's life. Through the process of framing forward, she was able to reframe her memories and find new meaning in her role as a loving and supportive partner.
In conclusion, It's OK That You're Not OK is a powerful and thought-provoking book that challenges our conventional ideas about grief and loss. Devine's personal experiences and stories from her clients effectively illustrate the struggles individuals face when trying to cope with profound loss. This book offers a refreshing perspective on how we can embrace our grief and find ways to integrate it into our lives. By giving ourselves permission to grieve and accepting that there is no "right" way to do it, we can find healing and continue to honor the memories of our loved ones.