Hold on to Your Kids

Synopsis

'Maté's book will make you examine your behaviour in a new light' Guardian

'Bold, wise and deeply moral. [Maté] is a healer to be cherished' Naomi Klein, author of No Logo and The Shock Doctrine

Children take their lead from their friends: being 'cool' matters more than anything else. Shaping values, identity and codes of behaviour, peer groups are often far more influential than parents.

But this situation is far from natural, and it can be dangerous - it undermines family cohesion, interferes with healthy development, and fosters a hostile and sexualized youth culture. Children end up becoming conformist, anxious and alienated.

In Hold on to Your Kids, acclaimed physician and bestselling author Gabor Maté joins forces with Gordon Neufeld, a psychologist with a reputation for penetrating to the heart of complex parenting. Together they pinpoint the causes of this breakdown and offer practical advice on how to 'reattach' to sons and daughters, establish the hierarchy at home, make children feel safe and understood, and earn back your children's loyalty and love. This updated edition also addresses the unprecedented parenting challenges posed by the rise of digital devices and social media.

By helping to reawaken our instincts, Maté and Neufeld empower parents to be what nature intended: a true source of contact, security and warmth for their children.

Summary

Chapter 1: The Importance of Connection

* Summary: This chapter emphasizes the crucial role of secure attachment between parents and children. It explains how children who feel loved, safe, and valued develop healthy self-esteem, resilience, and social skills.
* Real example: A toddler named Alex clings to his mother's leg whenever she leaves the room, demonstrating his need for connection and security.

Chapter 2: The Four Pillars of Connection

* Summary: The book identifies four pillars of connection: being present, being responsive, being real, and being reliable. These pillars create a nurturing and supportive environment that fosters children's development.
* Real example: Emily, a mother of two, makes it a priority to spend quality time with her children each evening, engaging in play, conversation, and affectionate touch.

Chapter 3: The Power of Discipline

* Summary: This chapter discusses the importance of positive discipline that focuses on teaching children appropriate behavior rather than punishment. It emphasizes setting clear limits, using logical consequences, and connecting with children on an emotional level.
* Real example: When John's 5-year-old son, Ben, spills a glass of milk on the floor, John helps him clean it up and calmly explains why it's not okay to spill liquids on purpose.

Chapter 4: The Importance of Trust

* Summary: Trust is essential for building strong parent-child relationships. This chapter explores ways to foster trust through consistent behavior, honesty, and respecting children's boundaries.
* Real example: Sarah, a therapist, builds trust with her clients by being empathetic, keeping confidentiality, and following through on her promises.

Chapter 5: The Power of Play

* Summary: Play is a vital aspect of children's development, allowing them to explore, learn, and connect with others. This chapter encourages parents to engage in meaningful play with their children, creating opportunities for laughter, creativity, and bonding.
* Real example: Mr. and Mrs. Jones take their 3-year-old daughter, Lily, to the park each weekend, where they play on the swings, slide, and sandbox together.

Chapter 6: The Importance of Love

* Summary: This chapter highlights the transformative power of love in parent-child relationships. It emphasizes the importance of expressing affection, showing appreciation, and creating a positive emotional climate within the family.
* Real example: Maria, a stay-at-home mom, has a tradition of reading her children a bedtime story each night, creating a warm and loving atmosphere before sleep.

Chapter 7: The Journey of Parenting

* Summary: Parenting is a lifelong journey with its challenges and rewards. This chapter encourages parents to embrace the process, seek support when needed, and celebrate their successes along the way.
* Real example: After navigating the early years of sleepless nights and tantrums, Mrs. Brown now enjoys a close and fulfilling relationship with her teenage children, reflecting on the challenges and growth they have experienced together.